The Hemp Dress and the Dalai Lama
By Forest Whiman Nederland Mountain-Ear Column
The Art of happiness by the Dalai Lama, a Tibetan holy man, is a best seller. A couple I'm working with right now on their wedding ceremony thinks it's a good read. How does a Tibetan holy man interest a couple about to be married who aren't remotely Buddhists? They just like what he says. The message we all get from the media, schools, friends, our whole culture in fact, is that happiness will come when we get what we want someday. Once we marry the perfect mate, develop the toned up body, have plenty of friends, a great job, a nice house, a dog that doesn’t get in the garbage and so on, then we will be happy. For many Americans that doesn’t work. We get all that we want, or most of it, and still are not happy. The Dalai Lama’s basic message is that we need to appreciate what we have and who we are right now. Our state of happiness doesn’t depend on what’s around us, but on an attitude of gratitude. How do we get to that inner quality of calmness of mind, that inner gratitude he's talking about?
The Hemp Wedding Dress
The bride thinks her inner peace would be better if she felt her wedding was “more green”. She's a strong believer in wearing economically sustainable and organic products. People who want to promote the well being of our planet can certainly find and wear these products. Can she really find an elegant looking frock to get married in that is made from hemp or organic cotton? She hopes so, but is feeling her happiness doesn't depend on finding one.
She has found some websites with very good looking hemp and cotton dresses. But, none fit her dreams. Most little girls dream of their wedding day. It’s a day out of Princess Bride. The bride is absolutely the center of attention, and she is wearing a really big and frilly satin white gown. So far as I know, hemp and organic cotton dresses just don’t have all those frills. The Dalai Lama would suggest that she get over comparisons. So long as she compares her lovely hemp dress with commercial satin dresses she’ll be in the dilemma. Quitting the comparisons will lead to more happiness and her attitude of gratitude.
The bride is in a difficult place when it comes to making wedding dress decisions This isn't a problem for their relationship. They are obviously deep in lovely love! Love is a great way to begin a marriage, but romantic love, as the Dalai Lama reminds, fades sooner or later. The mind needs to be trained to see other aspects of the relationship. What won’t fade is an attitude of compassion, an attitude of gratitude, toward your spouse. And that attitude of compassion comes only slowly with a lot of mind centering and a lot of sense of humor. He says that little by little we can come to choose happiness over pleasure.
She has found some websites with very good looking hemp and cotton dresses. But, none fit her dreams. Most little girls dream of their wedding day. It’s a day out of Princess Bride. The bride is absolutely the center of attention, and she is wearing a really big and frilly satin white gown. So far as I know, hemp and organic cotton dresses just don’t have all those frills. The Dalai Lama would suggest that she get over comparisons. So long as she compares her lovely hemp dress with commercial satin dresses she’ll be in the dilemma. Quitting the comparisons will lead to more happiness and her attitude of gratitude.
The bride is in a difficult place when it comes to making wedding dress decisions This isn't a problem for their relationship. They are obviously deep in lovely love! Love is a great way to begin a marriage, but romantic love, as the Dalai Lama reminds, fades sooner or later. The mind needs to be trained to see other aspects of the relationship. What won’t fade is an attitude of compassion, an attitude of gratitude, toward your spouse. And that attitude of compassion comes only slowly with a lot of mind centering and a lot of sense of humor. He says that little by little we can come to choose happiness over pleasure.
Ah, What Victims We Are!
“That jerk was unfair to me and I’ll have him fired for it!--I’m a victim!” That’s a real quote I heard not long ago. Here was a person really suffering, someone who felt victimized by life. The Dalai Lama agrees that there is always suffering, we’ll always feel like victims for a moment. But don’t indulge it, says he. My wife often says: “Suffer in silence or don’t suffer at all!” She's funny, but there’s a point there. Seeing oneself as a victim just takes energy away from solving problems.
We all have the basic problem solving equipment—a mind. We can train that mind to select and focus on positive mental states and challenge negative mental states. Making the conscious decision to turn toward happiness is the first step beyond being a victim. Easier said than done. Still, the Dalai Lama gives several brief exercises to do when we’ve got a lot of anger, or anxiety, or suffering going on. One I like is simply to focus on the problem, then say: “If the situation can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. If there is no possibility of resolution, then there’s nothing to worry about either.”
Another one of his suggestions is to break big problems down into little steps. For instance, the bride and her wedding dress: either she finds the perfect hemp and cotton wedding gown or she doesn’t. It might help if she breaks her big solid problem called THE WEDDING into little bits. Also, he suggest putting some space around the problem in your day. First she calls a bridal outfit, then she goes for a walk, then she talks to her Mom, then she goes to work, and so on. Broken down into the little pieces of life it all goes easier, the problem softens. She tells me she'll read my article and then we'll see.
We all have the basic problem solving equipment—a mind. We can train that mind to select and focus on positive mental states and challenge negative mental states. Making the conscious decision to turn toward happiness is the first step beyond being a victim. Easier said than done. Still, the Dalai Lama gives several brief exercises to do when we’ve got a lot of anger, or anxiety, or suffering going on. One I like is simply to focus on the problem, then say: “If the situation can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. If there is no possibility of resolution, then there’s nothing to worry about either.”
Another one of his suggestions is to break big problems down into little steps. For instance, the bride and her wedding dress: either she finds the perfect hemp and cotton wedding gown or she doesn’t. It might help if she breaks her big solid problem called THE WEDDING into little bits. Also, he suggest putting some space around the problem in your day. First she calls a bridal outfit, then she goes for a walk, then she talks to her Mom, then she goes to work, and so on. Broken down into the little pieces of life it all goes easier, the problem softens. She tells me she'll read my article and then we'll see.
Does She Have a Wedding Dress?
Since beginning this article I’ve had a phone call from another bride. I’m performing the ceremony for this couple next to a stream at The Wild Basin Lodge. She assures me that wedding dresses made from hemp do indeed exist and fit in perfectly in outside ceremonies. She's looking at some. I’m looking forward to both weddings just to see what the bride wears. I'm also enjoying discussing the Dali Lama's book with people. As the holy man always reminds, “Enjoy true happiness today.”
